Dealing with a Bad Breakup

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

So this may seem kinda whiny from me but I'm wondering on what everyone's thoughts on recovering from a breakup is. Mine is going all ways but well and I was just hoping for thoughts.
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Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Master Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 602 Location: boston

Just do not spend any mental energy focusing on it. Distraction, distraction, distraction. No matter the means(minus excessive substance abuse). Hang with friends and family. Go do stuff you like to do that you might not have while you were with her(concerts, ballgames, nightlife, whatever).

Important thing to remember, there's millions of other people out there. Once the heartache is over, you'll realize that. And also, if the breakup was her fault, remember that, and don't focus on the good stuff that you miss(which always happens). If it was your fault, distract yourself until your ready to get at it again, and be smart enough to not repeat yourself.

You've already done a good thing, you've opened up a line to vent here. Nothing works like getting it out by tears, a little raging, a little talk, whatever.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

See there's a lot of rage. But the worst is that neither of us can let it go. We both acknowledge that we're still in love and we both still want this, but its to the point where we need to commit and be responsible and she isn't ready for that. She admits it and part of me agrees but its hard because before we were dating she was my best friend and I talked to her about anything and everything. We both agree that if we can't be together then we need to try to go back to that but its just so painful and she's the kind of person who sees no point in being depressed over anything so while she's not over me she's let go of her saddness so she doesn't have to deal with it and that's honestly hard.
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Master Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 602 Location: boston

Boy that's a tough one. Hard to go back to the friendship. It's very possible, but I would say a lot of time would have to elapse.

Prior to my wife, I would say there was one girl that was like "the one". Only problem was I was 21 and heading off to college out of state so the timing was bad. Add in the fact that her parents were ready to marry us off it made for an ugly situation. We also had been friends for most of high school, although not as close as your situation, but we had a lot of history before dating. A couple of years later we got together and everything was cool friendship wise, but we never picked up the romance again.

I guess that's my long winded correlation as to how the friendship can come back, but you'll probably have to give it some time for that.

It's tough to deal with someone who can just emotionally detatch from the situation, but for your peace of mind, you've got to find a way to do the same.

My only question is, why is it at the point for a need to commit? Because you've been together a long time? Are you ready for marriage and she isn't?

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

Well up until she had her freakout we were dead set on finishing school and then getting married. But it wasn't going to be for a few years, it was nothing she had to commit to immediately. But she also is kind of at a state in life where she's selfish and scared of the future and ya. But still, its something neither of us is ready to let go of and yet we're going to try. I can't detach like she can, its just not who I am.
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

That's hard, man. I've never been throught this exact thing, but I did lose my bes t friend when I was eight. I still get upset by it. I know these are two seperate situations, but my advice would be not to get too hung up on it. Obviously it's a difficult thing to deal with and you need time to cope with it, but don't let it get in the way of living life (and stay away from extensive listening to emo music Wink

).
_________________

Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

@Reep: too late, I've been listening to Death Cab for Cutie ever since. I can't listen to my Coldplay because its her favorite and it still hurts and I can't drive with them on so I do Death Cab. But yes, its really hard and quite honestly this may have messed me up rather permenantly. I may not date again just because it wouldn't be fair to the other person because I'll still be in love with my Rachel.
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

That sucks. Sad

There are some emo bands I really like, but take it from me if you're not careful they can really mess with you inside. Just pace yourself.
_________________

Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

I'm too the point where i just am not happy or sad or anything, just in a lot of pain and don't care. Its really hard because I used to have a real problem with alcohol but when I started dating Rachel I became sober completely and have remained that way ever since. Now its super hard. I long for whiskey but I know it won't help at all. And music isn't my friend. I identify with it way too much. Mario is helping though. Its nice to have something in life where I feel like I still have something to be ok with and I'm still in some sort of control of a situation. Bloody Bowser won't take over the castle while I'm on watch. But yes, not doin well yet but everyone's sentiments are reassuring.
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Master Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 602 Location: boston

STAY AWAY FROM THAT MUSIC. That crap will continue to mess you up. When my situation with that girl happened, "nothing compares to you" was on the radio every half an hour. Not good.

I'm kind of at a loss though. If the plan was to wait until school was over anyways, what happened? She just had the freakout? If that is so then it could be a good thing. Either A) she creates some headspace to get clarity of mind, or B) it's over between you guys romantically and as much as that may hurt, dude it's much better to get it over with, beleive me.

As far as the future goes, of course you'll date again. Maybe cautiously, maybe recklessly. Maybe you get to be selfish for a while. That's OK. There is truly only one point in your life to no longer be selfish, and that's when you do get married. If it's over for you guys, you WILL get past it. I've been bummed and heartbroken many times over, especially when I was younger. I was the type to really fall for a girl, not the player type of guy. Problem with that is getting stomped on. But in the end, I married the right woman, as much of a pain in that ass as she can be, and all is pretty good.

It'll happen brother, you probably just can't see that right now.

Master Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 602 Location: boston

If you know alcohol is a problem, find other ways. Mario can work wonders. Like I said before, distraction........ Find anything to bring your mind elsewhere.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

Ok, as I've stated before but most may not remember her and I have been involved in a long distance relationship. She lived in KC when we started dating and I in southern KS. That's not too bad. Then her family got transferred to Spokane, WA, and we were devastated but we decided to do this. She was a very loyal girlfriend and at the time we were devoted to each other. Her first semester there it remained much the same, but we didn't hardly see each other. Second semester, however, she started to swim in her social life. It wasn't that I didn't want her to have one outside me, I really wanted her to actually. But it got to the point where she'd promise to call and bail and with a 2 hour time difference when its 11 there its 1 in the morning here. It happened more and more frequently and I continued to go without sleep so we could get time together. She began to promise to and did a bit before going right back to it. Then there was this guy named Sid (little deuche) that spent the entire year trying to steal her. He was that 'friend' that wants to be more than friends and causes problems with her current relationship in order to be the shoulder to cry on. And the only reason I know this is because he actually told me this. But anyways, I kept telling her I wasn't comfortable with him and even when I went up there she remained clueless and it was too the point of where we fought a lot and there were issues with me trusting her word. It got to the point where I'm certain the reason she's not ready to commit is that she knows she's not mature enough and she's trying not to hurt me. Too late though. But we were going to be going to school together this next school year and I believe that closing the distance would have fixed pretty much all of it. Too bad she didn't wait to find out. She's the only girl in the world that actually endorses my Star Wars addiction, did you know that? She thought it was cute. And now we talk every day and its nearly impossible for me not to tell her I love her but things are different. I'm angry and I take it out in the gym and at work ( work construction) so I'm actually in really good shape compared to when we were dating in less than a week. The downside is that when I'm depressed I don't eat or sleep so I'm running on 7 hours this week and a burrito, 2 bananas, and 3 bags of chips. And tons of tea and water of course. But yes, this is where it is and I'm fairly broken but I still have that hope that once she is without me she'll miss me and once she sees me everyday she'll be willing to try. Man, once I got goin there I just couldn't bloody stop...
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Master Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 602 Location: boston

That's alright man, let it out, it clears the head.

Unfortunately I tried the long distance things. I'm from MA, did three years undergrad and went to Iowa for 3 1/2 years for chiro school. Anyways, I tried to keep it going with my last girlfriend(who was at umass). I didn't call enough, but sure enough there was Paul to be a shoulder to lean on for Christina. Eventually Paul was a whole lot more than that. I don't know your girl, but I can say I don't blame you one bit for wondering what is going on.

As I said before, if it is done, it is better you find out now. If she has done something she shouldn't have, better now than 3 years into being married when you're at work all the time.

It is cool that she indulged the SW thing, but hey, my wife hates it. Being married doesn't mean you both like all the same things. I'm a metalhead, my wife is a euro/pop queen. I'm a sports nut, she isn't. Doesn't matter. That's not where the love is based. But TRUST, that is a big one, and if you are not feeling it, go with your gut.

I'm outta here for the weekend. Hope you're doing better. I'll check in tuesday. Hang with some friends brother, and stay away from the wrong music.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

You're a good man kurtdc, and I'm immersed in Metallica for the time being. She didn't do anything wrong, but her actions were inapporpriate and she just didn't think about it because she doesn't always process. But yes, thanks for listening man. You've no idea how good it felt just to let it all fly. Have a good holiday weekend!
_________________
Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Hey Caedus! I don't have much more advice to give that Reep and Kurt haven't already said, so I guess I'll just reiterate the music thing. If you can't stay away from the music, then at least try to keep the words from being personal.

I don't really understand listening to any sort of "emo" or depressing music when you're extremely upset. That will just let you dwell on the problem. At the same time, I don't think listening to dance or party music will help either. I try to pick a song with deep lyrics that are focused on an entirely different subject then whatever my problem is. The song needs to make me really, really think, but not about my problem. Sometimes, I like songs that make me think about other people's problem's instead. It allows me to sit back and say "Man. This sucks right now, but some people have it 100 times worse."

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