Relationships (or lack thereof)

Ok, heres my situation. January this year I came out of a 7 year relationship, not very amicably either. It was complicated by the fact we have a 5 year old son together, therefor I have spent a lot time throught the year dealing with Social Services, Lawyers and courts trying to get access to my son.

Now that that is all sorted, my housemate (I left the flat I had been in with my ex to rent a room off an old school friend) has decided that its time I started to meet new people and is trying to set me up on a date with one of her friends.

The problem is this, I don't want to get back my ex, I have moved on from her, and its all fine, and I don't have an issue with meeting new people (I like meeting new people and making friends). My issue is that after the way my last relationship ended, I don't have much confidence, and I'm not sure I'm ready to start meeting people in that way yet.

Essentially, the question is, should I just jump and see what happens if I let my housemate set my up with her friend, or should I ask her not to? I don't know when I'll feel like I'm ready, so I guess it comes down to, am I going to have to take a chance at some point regardless of how I feel?

I'm sorry to hear about that, Dov. And it's certainly a tough situation to call.

My guess is, this friend she's setting you up with is wanting something serious, or at least your friend is wanting it to be serious, so I'd suggest not meeting your friend's friend just yet, but you should still get out there, to get in the habit of light dating, until such a time you're ready for the more heavy stuff. Though I don't see anything wrong with getting to know your friend's friend as a friend. Erm ... yeah. Laughing

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I am a Star Wars fan. That doesn't mean that I hate or love Jar Jar. That doesn't mean I hate or love Lucas, or agree or disagree 100% with him. That doesn't mean I prefer the PT over the OT, or vice versa. That doesn't mean I hate the EU, or even love all of it. These are not prerequisites. Being a man is not a prerequisite. Being a geek is not a prerequisite. The only prerequisite is that I love something about Star Wars. I am a Star Wars fan.

Master Joined: 09 Jun 2009 Posts: 1410

I'm with Life on this one; light dating to start with. Having gone through a divorce myself after a lengthy marriage, I think a year is the bare minimum of time to wait before trying a relationship again. I'd recommend at least two years before trying a serious relationship. Ultimately though you should just go with how you feel. If it doesn't feel like the right time, it isn't. And if you're questioning whether it is or it isn't, I'd say it isn't the right time. You'll know when you're ready.

Btw, questioning yourself about relationships after a breakup is normal and healthy. I'd be more concerned if you weren't questioning yourself.
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Roqoo Depot co-founder.

Master Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 745 Location: Denver

I agree with Life and Cerrinea - don't get into anything you don't feel comfortable. Still I think its a good idea to get out there and do some casual dating. I think as people get older it gets easier to put things 'on hold', especially when you have a child. My son is almost 3 and ever since he was born factors into almost every decision we make.

Anyway just be honest with your housemate about how you feel and consider going on some laid back dates - that's my thought anyway.

Padawan Joined: 26 Feb 2012 Posts: 41 Location: Kesh

I have a bit of a problem. I've always been best friends with boys and I find them easier to talk to (I'm a bit of a tomboy). Now it's really awkward for me cause one of my best friends (a boy) got a crush on a girl in my class (she doesn't know that he likes her). It was only after I had known about his crush for a few weeks that I realized that I have a crush on him. This is really hard for me cause 1. I don't want to ruin our friendship 2. My friends all joke that I'm a robot cause I have trouble showing my emotions 3. He's 2 years older than me 4. I'm not allowed to date yet.
If anyone has some advice I would be really grateful.
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Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke is having trouble.
Finally Obi-Wan says "Use the forks, Luke".

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

If you're not allowed to date yet I'd say its a moot issue unless you can change your parents mine. Depends on how old you are to, eras of your life are so significantly different.
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Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

I agree with Caedus that if you aren't allowed to date yet there isn't much you can do. For what it's worth though it is unlikely this other girl will be the love of his life so its entirely possible that you'll get your chance when you are allowed to date.

As for the age 2 years won't be anything at all as you get older.

When I'm trying to rally the courage to ask a girl on a date I ask myself "what will you think of your self in the morning if you don't try?" Getting turned down hurts, but its far worse to be left to always wonder "what if I had tried?" in my experience. Just a thought to file for later when you are allowed to date.
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I know the feeling, Ves.

A good thing about being an INTJ though is that, even though we sometimes have trouble at our age (robot syndrome), when we get married, we tend to stay happily married because we're often more sensitve to our partner's needs and we're hellbent on problem solving. Wink

My dream girl recently went with another guy before I could tell her how I feel about her (that's why I started this thread actually). It's never fun.
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.

Padawan Joined: 26 Feb 2012 Posts: 41 Location: Kesh

You guys are right there isn't anything I can really do till I'm able to date. Thanks for the advice. Also I'm almost 14 and he's almost 16.
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Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke is having trouble.
Finally Obi-Wan says "Use the forks, Luke".

Just found out that the girl I like already has a friend whose in the category of "friends who hang out together and could eventually become a couple." I was really hoping that I had finally started to break past that friend barrier and while I'm hoping I still can the odds in my favor seem to have dropped. (For clarity I am hoping that if we started hanging out it would evolve into a relationship not a sketchy friends with benefits and that's all that happens kind of deal).

So frustrating right now.

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Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

I'm with Caedus. Good luck!
_________________
I am a Star Wars fan. That doesn't mean that I hate or love Jar Jar. That doesn't mean I hate or love Lucas, or agree or disagree 100% with him. That doesn't mean I prefer the PT over the OT, or vice versa. That doesn't mean I hate the EU, or even love all of it. These are not prerequisites. Being a man is not a prerequisite. Being a geek is not a prerequisite. The only prerequisite is that I love something about Star Wars. I am a Star Wars fan.

Thanks for the support guys!

I'll give it a go, as you said Caedus I'd just suffer if I didn't try. I've kind of always know that but the reminder is really useful since I think I lost sight of that (and all the good that can happen as you pointed out) after my disastrous summer romance with a girl I go to college with (we went out a few times when we had both been in town and had very long online chats every few days. 3-4 months later she explained that "oh I never liked you as more then a friend, I never wanted to date you and I'm sorry if I led you on").
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Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4402 Location: Korriban

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