Relationships (or lack thereof)

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4400 Location: Korriban

^This.

Honestly Salaris the old fashioned methods are the best. I've thought about doing that myself but in the end I want the thrill of meeting someone, of trying, of asking them out. Its all about what you want. If it'd work for you and you live in a densely populated area then maybe.
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Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

Hmm well the city I'm going to grad school in has a population of about 50,000 and about 60 miles away is my home town with two colleges (one is an Ivy). Overall I'd say I'm located where cities with about 40,000 or more people are all about an hour away (or I'm living in one). Of course there are also smaller towns in between as well. Would cities like that count as large enough?

As for "old fashioned methods" I hate to admit this but I've run out of ideas for meeting women. I've tried joining a club on campus, which is a lot of fun but somewhat lacking in the dating pool. As for my friends their idea of a good way to spend a weekend is bar crawling which is not my scene at all (my fridge has been know to have a six pack in residence for a month or more). As I'm not affiliated with any religion (spiritual, just not religious) that rules out that. I don't doubt there are places where there are single women, I'm just not sure where those places are.
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Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4400 Location: Korriban

Also, have you taken advantage of your extended social network?

Surely you have friends, who themselves have friends, some of whom might be attractive/single ladyfolk?

My wife and I had the same circle of friends for years, but never attended the same get-together until the summer after 3rd-year.
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It was the year of fire… the year of destruction… the year we took back what was ours.
It was the year of rebirth… the year of great sadness… the year of pain… and the year of joy.
It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year everything changed.
The year is 2261.
The place: Babylon 5.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4400 Location: Korriban

I was having a discussion with a woman I dated years ago (we've been able to regain a friendship) and were having a discussion on how frustrating dating is today. She began complaining that there were no men who were really good and I asked "do you mean who are hot AND good?" She replied that she meant no, just good men. I had had enough at that point. I replied "I spent 18 months holding you when you cried, telling you how wonderful you were, braving your crazy father to be with you, driving long distances weekend after weekend to be with you, putting up with you when you would have those frustrating emotional snaps or when you went through your pretentious phase, and I never let you go to sleep without saying I loved you (seriously, when she went down to Costa Rica for a week I recorded a different message for her for every night she was gone so I could say goodnight. She thought it was adorable). I held your purse when you changed in changing rooms, I cooked for you every chance I got, I got up at 3 in the morning to come take you to the doctor so you didn't have to wake your parents up when they had work in the morning, and I put up with your friends regardless of how much some of them bugged me. When we broke up three months later you started dating a 6.5 foot tall hottie who hit you when you were alone and guess who had to come freaking rescue you. There are plenty of nice guys out there, you just have this unrealistic standard in your head and it makes you act like a b*****." She pondered all of this for a moment, then began crying. I, of course, am easily swayed by this and I put my arm around her and apologized for the force with which I'd made my statement but told her that I didn't feel I was wrong in anything but delivery. She accepted this. Today she decided she needs to be single for awhile till she's mature enough to handle a real relationship because its what she wants. I'm proud of her but...holy crap I'm glad not all women are this crazy.

When it comes to dating my confidence has been shot as of late. I seem to have lost whatever made me the fun, confident guy I was at one point.
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Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day, and wanted the opinion of people here:

We both noticed that, once we became part of long term relationships, we became immensely more confident around members of the opposite sex.

I'm a happily married man, and have been for the past two years (my 2nd anniversary is at the end of the month!), and noticed that I'm so much more at ease around cute girls then I used to be. I was always awkward and socially inept. Now I'm social and almost flirty.

I've always gotten along better with women than with men. But around women I find attractive, I've always been shy. Until now.

I might've even been flirting with the cute cashier at the grocery store today. With my wife there next to me. Hard to tell.

My friend (a woman, who has been in an LTR for the past 4 years or so) noticed the same thing.

So questions for you guys:

1- Is there anyone who experienced this type of confidence shift when in an LTR?

2- If you're in an LTR, is it wrong to flirt a bit with a cute member of the gender in which you are interested, knowing full well that you'd never act on anything?
_________________
It was the year of fire… the year of destruction… the year we took back what was ours.
It was the year of rebirth… the year of great sadness… the year of pain… and the year of joy.
It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year everything changed.
The year is 2261.
The place: Babylon 5.

Master Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Posts: 4400 Location: Korriban

1. Ya, I get more confident and so do most of my male friends. You're committed, you're happy, and it brings out a confidence because you have what makes you feel more than you did before so it kinda just seeps out of you.

2. Ya I kinda think it is. You may never act on it, but that's how the idea gets planted. What is worse is that even if it doesn't take root in your head it might in theirs and someone will get hurt. Sometimes being confident and friendly is mistaken for flirting but whenever you can it is best to clamp down on it. The girl I broke up with in 2010 used to have a flirting problem. She would never have cheated on me but she was leading on like 3 men she was friends with and it wound up destroying the friendship between those 3 guys as well as our relationship because it made me uncomfortable that she saw nothing wrong with it and that she chalked the guys' damaged friendship up to immaturity when she gave them each every indication that they were going to get to date her.
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Perfection is a lifelong pursuit requiring sacrifice. The only way to get it quicker is to sacrifice the most.

1: I can't say I've noticed, really. I've never had a problem around women. To be honest, I'm more comfortable around women than men. However, I do think there's something in what you say, Taral. I think that, as Caedus says, you are more confident and so you're more likely to be sociable. But also, you're in a committed relationship. Part of flirting is the fear that you may be rejected - but if you're in an LTR, you don't have to worry about that, because you're already with someone, and so you're not going to be rejected.

2: A little flirting is okay. It's harmless, fun, and ultimately leads nowhere. However, there is a line. The woman Caedus speaks of, I feel, did cross that line. Exchanging a few pleasantries and chat up lines is one thing. Leading three people on, is something else. You do need to be clear that it's going nowhere.
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EUC Staff Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 1117 Location: Kansas

Jezebel had an article about getting hitting on more when sloppily dressed. Guys, what say you? http://bit.ly/ResbmF
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Observation: Life would be cooler if everyone spoke like HK-47.

Communications Coordinator at EUCantina.

well being an archaeologist I'm used to seeing women dressed in jeans, old t-shirts and covered in dirt from the field. So dressed down doesn't catch my eye as unusual or draw any extra attention. On the other hand if the woman is dressed nicely I definetely notice because it is somewhat out of the ordinary.

I may be the excpetion to the rule though as I suspect most people are used to dealing with women in business/professsional situations where women dress professionally (nice shirt, pants or dress etc.) so dressing down is the opposite of what the men are used to and thus makes the women who are dressed down more noticable.
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Master Joined: 21 Mar 2010 Posts: 813 Location: Maryland

Didn't you know, Vile? Salaris is Indiana Jones. Wink

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So this is how liberty dies....with thunderous applause.

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Master Joined: 21 Mar 2010 Posts: 813 Location: Maryland

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