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 PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 8:00 pm Reply with quote  
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  Dancelittleewok
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Can you be too picky?

I'm long term single. I haven't been on a date, kissed, whatever in far too long. In my town, it seems everybody's married by age 30. There aren't a lot of single men anymore like it was in my early 20's. Meanwhile, my friends have encouraged me to go on dates with guys I'm not attracted to or don't have a lot in common because "you never know" or "something amazing could happen." I don't want to string someone along. That's cruel. Sometimes, I feel Like what doesn't even exist. Do I have too many expectations? Should I just settle?
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 PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 8:48 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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^ I'm incredibly picky and it's probably the biggest reason I haven't actually dated yet. Call me stubborn, but I can't bring myself to date for the sake of dating. If I date, I want my heart to be in it.

Honestly, I don't think settling is a good idea. I can certainly understand the temptation, but I don't think it's conducive to long-term happiness. I'm certainly not the expert though. Razz
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 PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 9:22 pm Reply with quote  
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  Caedus_16
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@Reep: I'm picky as picky can get, and I'm currently single but I've had great relationships out of it and it has led me to looking for exactly what I need in a partner. Settling for less than what you want works because the world isn't perfect and aims may be misguided, but sometimes you just know what you like and that's that.
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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2015 1:42 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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"settling" implies that you are conceding something that you don't really want. You shouldn't do that. Same thing goes for lowering your expectations or being less picky. What you should perhaps do is to reevaluate what it is that is most important to you. Don't give up on those things, but maybe find things that you are less important that you can let go of.

We strive for the perfect person, the "whole package", but that person doesn't usually exist, in others or in our selves. The compromises you make in someone else that might seem like a weakness is also something that someone else will have to accept about you. Keep that in mind.

Also don't let that keep you from taking a chance. That's what I told Reep before, and I'll tell anyone. Just take a chance. You don't have any obligation to anything, but only to see what possibilities are out there.
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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2015 8:41 am Reply with quote  
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  Mara Jade Skywalker
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Don't settle. No matter what you do. I was never in any relationships growing up, and I admit it got lonely. But I'm glad I never settled for anyone just to combat the loneliness. I learned to be content on my own. I did hope someone would come along one day, but I wanted it to be the right person. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.

And I'm happy to report someone did come along. A friendship blossomed into a relationship, and it all just happened. I didn't have to lower my expectations, or settle for someone I wasn't interested in. We were just perfect for each other.

Now of course, that doesn't mean you will see someone and just know it's the right person. Not at all. I didn't know that about my boyfriend the first time I met him. I didn't really give him a second thought, to be honest. I actually had to look past some...abrasive personality traits he had to get around to talking to him, which is how I learned over time that I was reading him wrong. And he had to do the same with me, since I was so shy. And in the end it turned out we were both exactly what we had hoped for each other.

Also, as the others have said, there will always be compromise. When I say my boyfriend and I are "perfect" for each other...we are. But we both have little quirks and annoyances that we have to learn to work with. He's not always sensitive to how his tone comes across, and I'm always overly emotional. But we've learned to be sensitive to one another and work through that. So I don't mean to say there will be nothing about the other person that you won't like...but if it's the right person, and you care enough about them, you'll be more than willing to compromise and work through it.

So...in conclusion. Don't settle for someone. Ever. It's not worth it. Keeping in mind, though, that you can't always immediately read a person. If you're unsure about someone, go on a date. Just check it out. If there's nothing, then politely decline anything further. But if you find you enjoy spending time, then continue getting to know them. Maybe you'll find what you didn't know was there.
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 PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2015 4:56 pm Reply with quote  
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  Queen Padmè Skywalker
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I second Reep, Mara, and the others, Dance. I'm approaching my mid 20s and have never been on a date or been in a relationship. Simply put, I have never once been seriously interested in anyone. Even if the offers were pouring in, which isn't the case, I wouldn't want to make the mistake of liking the idea of a relationship more than the actual person I was involved with.
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 PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2015 6:53 pm Reply with quote  
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  Caedus_16
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Queen Padmè Skywalker wrote:
I second Reep, Mara, and the others, Dance. I'm approaching my mid 20s and have never been on a date or been in a relationship. Simply put, I have never once been seriously interested in anyone. Even if the offers were pouring in, which isn't the case, I wouldn't want to make the mistake of liking the idea of a relationship more than the actual person I was involved with.


I had a female friend in college who was like this. She wanted a relationship so bad, and it led to some emotionally difficult situations for her.

She got married and I hope it works out for her, but only time will tell. I, for one, will not be the one to point out that she pretty much married her dad.
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 PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:38 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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I'm seriously considering trying a dating site. I've never liked the idea of it, but it's started to become more attractive to me lately.
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Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
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 PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 9:24 pm Reply with quote  
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  Caedus_16
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Reepicheep wrote:
I'm seriously considering trying a dating site. I've never liked the idea of it, but it's started to become more attractive to me lately.


It would have its ups and downs. There's nothing wrong with it. I have a bit of social anxiety so I've considered it, but if I remind myself it would be better for me to approach a woman in public so I can work on it I don't make any accounts or anything.

Perhaps Tinder?
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 PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 5:29 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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Isn't Tinder a ugh...hookup app? I know that not everyone uses it for that, but that's the expectation, so it's probably not the best thing if you are looking for an actual relationship.
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 PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:24 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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Dog-Poop_Walker wrote:
Isn't Tinder a ugh...hookup app?

That's the only thing I've heard it used for. I think I'll pass lol

Caedus_16 wrote:
There's nothing wrong with it. I have a bit of social anxiety so I've considered it, but if I remind myself it would be better for me to approach a woman in public so I can work on it I don't make any accounts or anything.

I get what you're saying. Asking a woman out does give me anxiety. Seeing as I'm a really calm person otherwise, it's twice as bad and I feel like I'm going to die lol. Honestly though, it has less to do with fear and more to do with impatience. My social circle is fairly small, there isn't anyone at work that I'm interested in, and I've already asked the girl I was interested in from class (and the others I'm either not interested in or they're taken). I'm not into the clubbing scene. I could do the cold approach, but it really isn't my thing and I'm not at all convinced it has a high success rate (despite your recent success story, Caedus Razz). Maybe if I had the right opening... I know Yoda would frown on me for taking the quick and easy path, but it's awfully tempting at this point. It would be nice to have at least one date by the time I'm 30. Confused
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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 PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:49 pm Reply with quote  
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  Caedus_16
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Dog-Poop_Walker wrote:
Isn't Tinder a ugh...hookup app? I know that not everyone uses it for that, but that's the expectation, so it's probably not the best thing if you are looking for an actual relationship.


It definitely gets used that way for the most part but I genuinely used it a few times. I downloaded it as a gag with some guy friends, wound up getting a few dates from it. For the most part yes, most use it trying to hook up (and I will NOT repeat some of the stuff I've heard on there) but I've actually had dates with a few women who were good, fun, enjoyable people and I'm friends with most of the ones I've gone out with (we decided we weren't right romantically but have fun hanging out so we still do).

[quote="Reepicheep"]I'm not into the clubbing scene.

I hate clubs. Noisy, crowded, can't talk to anyone in there. I do, however, like lounges. Quiet music, just people blowing off steam after long days, and I can write in there or read a lot. I've gotten bored a few times and randomly just started conversations with people, ended up with a friend here or there from it. The cold approach is definitely hard to see success in and the odds are that it won't go the way you want, but when it does its phenomenal.

I had a friend who was looking at comics in a Barnes & Noble. He had a lovely young woman approach him and talk to him about them for awhile, ask what he was up to that day, and he chickened out, but really if you see people reading something or doing something you're into saying hi and talking about it isn't weird, at least not to most. If you're confident with yourself while doing it then it is generally received kindly, if not enthusiastically. I've gotten a couple of dates out of blind conversation.

On a romantic front the girl is a bit...odd for me (the one I asked out in the bookstore). I was into it until she began offering to read my aura and talking about some personal psychological issues (won't go into the details) but I decided I wasn't ready for a relationship with someone who is going through all that and told her I preferred her to finish working through it before trying to date, which she agreed on and we're remaining friends.
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 PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 5:29 pm Reply with quote  
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  Taral-DLOS
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Caedus_16 wrote:
(...)told her I preferred her to finish working through it before trying to date, which she agreed on and we're remaining friends.


Honest bit of feedback: did you say exactly that? Or that she should finish working that out before dating YOU, specifically?

Because without the You, it seems absolutely terrible. To me, it reads "I'm better qualified to judge when you should date people," whereas I get the feeling you meant something more like "I would prefer not to be in a relationship that is this complicated right now."

Everyone can decide whom they will not date and why. And those reasons can be as logical or as personal as they want. No criticism there. But I get peeved when a guy tries to impose his judgment on other people. I genuinely don't think that's what you did, but it's how it read.
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 PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 8:07 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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Caedus_16 wrote:
I had a friend who was looking at comics in a Barnes & Noble. He had a lovely young woman approach him and talk to him about them for awhile, ask what he was up to that day, and he chickened out, but really if you see people reading something or doing something you're into saying hi and talking about it isn't weird, at least not to most. If you're confident with yourself while doing it then it is generally received kindly, if not enthusiastically. I've gotten a couple of dates out of blind conversation.

See, if I was in the situation your friend was in, I would almost certainly go for it. Talk is cheap, but I really think I would have done something with her if she had shown the interest. The only reason I could think of for not wanting to is the suddenness of the thing. I would probably want some time to process it.

On a related note, I was close to trying the cold approach when I was at the library the other day. There was an attractive girl there wearing a Batman t-shirt and reading an ancient history book. Just that information was enough to get me intrigued. I didn't know what to do or say, so I ended up saying nothing and the opportunity passed by. She was just sitting there reading, and it felt weird/rude to interrupt. At least that was the excuse I told myself. That incident was actually what got me thinking about trying a dating site.
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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 PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2015 5:09 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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It's really hard to gauge. Sorry for being presumptuous, but it just seems like Cadeus has a lot of experience in dealing with people so he is good at reading them. The key to approaching a person for casual, or more, conversation is determining if they are interested in you BEFORE talking to them.

I think that you were right in that situation Reep. Most women really don't like it when random guys come up to them and just start talking. I told you about a situation like that. I see it all the time.

I think my experience has been a lot like yours, Reep. I dated a bit as a young adult, then in my early 20's, as is usual, I think, my peer group both grew in numbers, but stagnated in meeting new people. I didn't date anyone for a long time because I just didn't meet anyone who I was interested in. It wasn't until I was 24 that I had my first and only long term relationship. Now in my 30's I regret that I didn't date in my 20's, not because of the sex, but just because now I have a very small social group and almost never meet any new people.
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Spread out all around us is a petrified world, a world of Things, where we ourselves, our gestures, and even our feelings figure in as Things. Nothing can belong to us as truly our own in such a landscape of death. Under commodity occupation the most concrete truth about everything is the truth of it's infinite replaceablity.


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