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 PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:48 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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Thanks for the advice guys. I agree it's best to probably just walk away, at least for now... the actual problem is a long story, that's the only reason I'm not getting into it.

The thing is that I could probably forgive that, but it's hard for me to let it go... and that's the thing that really bugs me, it's a guy I've known for over ten years. The fact that he is just able to accept the end of our friendship apparently so easily is actually what gets to me.
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 PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:24 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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Always me... About that last thing, I did end up talking to the guy. Things were amiable, we reached an understanding. I walked away ending up feeling like it was indeed pointless to have tried to talk any sense to him, but at least knowing with certainty that there was no reason to ever talk to him again.

On to the new problem!

People tell me that one of life's greatest regrets is losing a loved one and never getting the chance to say goodbye. I don't entirely understand that rational.

I have an estranged friend that I want to say goodbye to. For me I don't feel like it will be cathartic, the opposite in fact. I want to do it to confirm to myself that it doesn't make a difference. Also mainly to prove to myself that I can do it, because there is something that is holding me back from it and I don't understand why. That is my problem.

My best friend thinks that I should not do it, that it won't make me feel good, which I agree with, and that it's best to just cut people off and forget about them, which I disagree with. I'm sure he would say that my reluctance is a sign that I should follow his advice.

My other best friend is an incurable optimist who encouraged me and gave me the idea in the first place, and is the type of person that I cited above. She tells me that I should wait until I feel ready and that it's never too late to reach out to someone, and that things will just workout fine.

Neither of those perspectives are very helpful and they are contradictory, so that's why I am making my appeal to you.
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Spread out all around us is a petrified world, a world of Things, where we ourselves, our gestures, and even our feelings figure in as Things. Nothing can belong to us as truly our own in such a landscape of death. Under commodity occupation the most concrete truth about everything is the truth of it's infinite replaceablity.


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 PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:46 am Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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Obviously I don't know what caused the estrangement, but if that friendship has been harmful to you, I would honestly say the best thing is to just let it go.
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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 PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:14 am Reply with quote  
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  Skywalker2B
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All I can say is that bitterness will eat you alive, and I think it really stems from pride. Because of pride and arrogance, I allowed bitterness to eat at me for several years. One day I decided to put away the bitterness, but rather value the friendship that I had. Even then, it wasn't fully behind me until I humbled myself and apologized to my friend, not for what had happened between us (he went off on me in front of our kids' school for daring to ask his son a question about something that had happened with my daughter without him or his wife being present...the kids were 16-17 at the time), but for the bitterness that held in my heart for years following. It was a great moment of forgiveness and restoration. Even though we're not as close as we once were, at least I can say that we're still friends and the bitterness is gone.

I don't know if this applies. Take it as you will.


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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:29 pm Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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Thanks for the insight. To clarify that first situation I was talking about from last year or whenever, I just wanted to update how that turned out. That was the case where a friend had wronged me and I wanted to reconcile things. I was unable to do so, but my attempt to was good for me and allowed me to let go of the negative feelings I had.

The case I'm talking about here is the opposite. It's someone that I wronged, in ignorance and regret, and I don't believe that we can reconcile, and I guess I want to confirm that.
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Spread out all around us is a petrified world, a world of Things, where we ourselves, our gestures, and even our feelings figure in as Things. Nothing can belong to us as truly our own in such a landscape of death. Under commodity occupation the most concrete truth about everything is the truth of it's infinite replaceablity.


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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 5:47 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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Once again I'm toying around with the idea of joining a dating site. I was hoping to go back to school in January and I figured that would be a good place to meet people with similar interests. I was looking forward to it, but now it looks like I almost certainly won't be going back until next September and all I can think is


I mean a year isn't forever, but it isn't tomorrow either. 24 isn't old, but I'm also not getting any younger.

I don't know why I'm so resistant to the idea of online dating. Maybe because it feels like I would be missing out on a rite of passage. It feels too easy. Maybe I'm just stubborn.
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:52 pm Reply with quote  
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  Salaris Vorn
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Reepicheep wrote:
Once again I'm toying around with the idea of joining a dating site. I was hoping to go back to school in January and I figured that would be a good place to meet people with similar interests. I was looking forward to it, but now it looks like I almost certainly won't be going back until next September and all I can think is


I mean a year isn't forever, but it isn't tomorrow either. 24 isn't old, but I'm also not getting any younger.

I don't know why I'm so resistant to the idea of online dating. Maybe because it feels like I would be missing out on a rite of passage. It feels too easy. Maybe I'm just stubborn.


I can totally relate as I felt much the same. I thought it reflected some personal failing on my part being unable to find someone "the old fashioned way." I let go of my pride (admittedly because I was discouraged enough to figure online dating couldn't possibly be worse than old fashioned dating) and tried online dating, which I'm glad I did. I've been with my girlfriend I met online for just shy of 3 years now. So for whatever a (relatively) anonymous internet person's testimonial is to you there you have it Wink (my bit of advice is cast a wide net in your search parameters, not everyone fills out every drop down menu box so too strict and it might filter out someone you'd otherwise be perfect with. That said it's ok to have some firm deal breakers if religion, politics, pets etc. are really important to you, but just make sure your "don't show me X people" filters are for the true deal breakers, not a wishlist of "my ideal partner will not have any of X and will have most/all of Y").

For example I couldn't imagine never having a cat again (even though I did not have a cat at the time) so I filtered out people who hated cats. I however didn't filter out people who thought Star Trek was better than Star Wars Wink
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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:02 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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When I was in DC last year I went to a scifi convention and my friend made me go to a speed dating event they had. He thought it would be good for me because he mistook my disinterest in humans as a sign of social awkwardness in conversation, which wasn't true.

I basically put zero effort into it and asked the most banal questions, just to not make the people feel ignored. I got two girls phone numbers!

My friend met the woman who is now his wife.

I think something like that would be good for you. You get to talk to real people who you know already share your interests and have an open mind for dating. All of the guys are losers who just go for the most attractive women who are probably paid to be there, so you pretty much got it made.
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Spread out all around us is a petrified world, a world of Things, where we ourselves, our gestures, and even our feelings figure in as Things. Nothing can belong to us as truly our own in such a landscape of death. Under commodity occupation the most concrete truth about everything is the truth of it's infinite replaceablity.


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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:59 pm Reply with quote  
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  Skywalker2B
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From an early age (I think about 14) all of my girlfriends were in band (I play trombone). Obviously, we had similar interest...playing music. I can tell you that none of them were Star Wars fans, or comics, or sci-fi in general. In fact, my wife (whom I met in college marching band), wasn't a fan of those things either. However, because we enjoyed each other's company, she watched all of the SW movies with me...and now, after over 25 years of marriage, she wows the elementary kids with her SW and super hero knowledge. So, what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to like all of the same things as your potential spouse, but be willing to enjoy your "likes" together.

That being said, being able to be happy with someone with different interests than you is one thing. It's another if you hold different beliefs. There's a reason why God says that we should not be unequally yoked. You're asking for trouble if you couple with someone of another faith/religion. Likewise, if you hold differing political views (which I think falls back to the faith/religion thing). You may be able to ignore that at first, but there will come bigger decisions to be made (i.e. kids) down the line where it'll have a big affect on the relationship.

The key is to first become friends...best friends. You should enjoy the person's company so much that you really miss them when you're not with them. Your relationship should be founded by friendship, and only then add the sexual relationship. Sex won't keep a marriage together, friendship will, common faith will, a commitment will.

As someone that's been married for over 25 years, and in the "empty nest" period, if you can't have fun and enjoy your spouse before you have kids, you surely won't when they leave the house. That's my advice from an older guy (husband/father) to those of you that are younger.

Now, for the other way around. My son, just turned 20, is in his second year of college. Like his father, he's a politically conservative christian, but he's attending an art school (for animation). So, as you'd guess, he's among mostly liberal minded people (students and teachers). He's only had one girlfriend in H.S. (only in his senior year). He's been very frustrated that all of the girls (young women) he's been interested in turned out to be very liberal when he got to know them a little better (as in beyond the initial visual attraction). His mother and I suggested that he find a local church and get into a "college and career" group to meet young ladies of a similar faith.

My daughter also had a hard time getting together with a guy of similar faith and interests. It got to the point where I even suggested to her that she think about a christian dating site (as a father, I wasn't crazy about the guys she dated).

So, I ask you younger folks, in this day and age, is an online dating site really the best, and socially acceptable, way to meet potential mates? Should I suggest that idea to my son? Is there a minimum age to use one of those sites? If so, what is it?


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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 5:39 pm Reply with quote  
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  Mara Jade Skywalker
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Skywalker2B wrote:
The key is to first become friends...best friends. You should enjoy the person's company so much that you really miss them when you're not with them. Your relationship should be founded by friendship, and only then add the sexual relationship. Sex won't keep a marriage together, friendship will, common faith will, a commitment will.


I completely agree with the above. It is so vital! Not to say that the sexual aspect of a relationship is not important, obviously it is. But a true friendship is what carries a long-term relationship. My husband was my very best friend when we started dating, and he still is today. I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't my best friend.

Clarification: Not to say that you can't start dating someone who isn't already your best friend...that's just how it happened in my case. But if it's the right person, that's where things should take you.
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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:36 am Reply with quote  
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  Taral-DLOS
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Skywalker2B wrote:


So, I ask you younger folks, in this day and age, is an online dating site really the best, and socially acceptable, way to meet potential mates? Should I suggest that idea to my son? Is there a minimum age to use one of those sites? If so, what is it?


Online dating sites is increasingly socially acceptable. There was once a taboo about it, but as far as I know it's mostly gone. I understand the traditional dating scene has changed so much that it's more difficult to meet people the "normal" way. As long as the person on the site is honest and up-front about themselves, then there should be no problem (though I'd recommend basic safety precautions, like your daughter should tell a friend who she's meeting, where she's going, etc.; but that's good practice anyway; you can meet a bad person in a bar or in class as easily as online).

And while there are general dating sites with wide appeal, there are niche ones that might be useful too. Christian Mingle is the one I'm specifically thinking of.

The other suggestions you listed make a lot of sense too. Becoming part of communities of like-minded people will increase the pool of "dateable" people to which a person has access. If shared political or religious values are important (and for many people it is critical), then becoming part of a community based on those shared values is a good idea.
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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2017 9:54 am Reply with quote  
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  Skywalker2B
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Thanks, Taral. I'll see if my son is interested.

While I want to encourage him to keep his focus on his education and career goals, I admit that from watching Counting On (the Duggar family) and Bringing Up Bates (the Bates family) on tv with my wife, I'm anxious to meet my son's future wife...my future daughter-in-law.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my daughter. Due to some mental health issues, she has made a series of very bad life choices and is on a road to self destruction. My wife and I (and whole extended family) are heart broken about it. We just keep praying for her.


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 PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 11:20 am Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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Thanks for the responses, guys. Smile

It's good to know that internet dating can be successful, Salaris. I am leaning towards giving it a shot, but probably not for a few more months because I have some things I want to do before then.

I've always wanted to meet someone somewhere, become friends, and have things slowly turn into romance, marriage etc. It still seems the best way. In the end though, if I find someone who is good for me and vice versa through online dating, does it really matter how I met her? Nope. I said that online dating has seemed like it was too easy for a long time, but do you know what's even easier? Sitting around and waiting for the right person to come along. That's essentially what I'm doing right now. One day I will wake up and my youth will have passed me by.

As for being picky and such, I actually made a list of five qualities that I decided my future wife must have a while back. I have noticed that when I like someone, I tend to gloss over certain incompatibilities, so I figured it would be best to make the list while I'm sober. Razz

They cover a lot of what you guys talked about, it's relevant to the overall topic of this thread, and I don't mind sharing, so here they are:

1) I must be physically attracted to her.

While I know that this can't be all there is to a relationship, it is important. There was a time when I thought maybe this wasn't necessary, but I know better now.

2) We must share at least some interests.

I definitely hear what you are saying, Salaris and Skywalker2B, and I think this isn't something I should be too strict about. She doesn't have to be the female version of me. But we do need something to talk about besides just ourselves. We need to click on things other than just how we feel about each other. I can think of some people that I could talk for hours with, a rare thing for me, and I would like something like that.

3) She must share my faith.

My faith in Christ is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't share that with. I consider myself a non-denominational Christian, so I am theoretically open to dating a Christian from any background (though in practice there are probably a few I would stay away from).

On a somewhat related note, political affiliation isn't a big deal for me as I don't really align myself with any political ideology. That said, I wouldn't want to date an ideologue of any stripe.

4) She must understand my need for alone time.

She doesn't have to be an introvert like me, but I think it would be a big plus. What is crucial is that she understands why I need to go off on my own sometimes and just be with myself. I think it's easy for extroverts to take that personally.

5) We must have good communication.

How we handle disagreements, how we work together etc. This is something I wouldn't be able to know until I had dated someone for a while, but I think this is very important. Poor communication is probably one of the biggest things that made my parents' marriage fail, so I'm keen to ensure history doesn't repeat itself.
_________________

Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:21 am Reply with quote  
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  Dog-Poop_Walker
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I don't know much about love. Well, that's not true, I know all about the whole history of the philosophy from eros and agape to courtly/chivalrous love, which we call romantic love.

When I was 23 I read James Jocye's Portrait of the Artist, where he confesses that he had never loved anyone, even though his wife was his true partner and they spent 25 years together until his death. I knew that I felt the same way.

I think it's kind of funny Reep that you say you don't want to just wait for someone to show up. Isn't that when they always do? I do believe in Serendipity. See the perfect example of my friend. The only person I thought that I ever loved, and pretty much everyone that has had any importance to me, has just randomly popped into my life when I wasn't expecting it.

I used to believe that love was meditation on the late medieval tableau called The Triumph of Death, together with the experience of "The Dark Night of the Soul", enabling you to see a person in raw naked Humanity.

Now I know that the false belief in so called "love" is just the desire for the prefigured, Sovereign subjectivity of Self, projected onto the Other as an ego reflection. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, and it isn't shallow. That means that real synthesis is possible, and it's the source of the best things in humanity, like art, empathy and community.
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Spread out all around us is a petrified world, a world of Things, where we ourselves, our gestures, and even our feelings figure in as Things. Nothing can belong to us as truly our own in such a landscape of death. Under commodity occupation the most concrete truth about everything is the truth of it's infinite replaceablity.


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 PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:06 pm Reply with quote  
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  Reepicheep
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^ Ah, courtly love. Such mixed feelings. I love it as literary phenomenon and it's beautiful... but I think it contributed to me being kind of foolish about romance when I was younger. I idealized it way too much, then became cynical about the whole thing later on. Now I'm trying to find some sort of balance between the two.

Never give La Vita Nuova to a teenager with a crush.
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Where sky and water meet,
Where the waves grow sweet,
Doubt not, Reepicheep,
To find all you seek,
There is the utter east.


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